Fear

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." FDR

I've been thinking a lot about this quote the last few days. How true it is. I never thought I was afraid of anything, until I was forced to really think about it. One thing I realized I feared is what other people think about me. This is so much to a point that it is controlling. What bothers me more is that I allow it. I allow my fears to control what I eat, what I wear, how I do my hair, how I worship, how I pray, and so much more.

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves." Phil. 2:3

Through my experience at "The Road Adventure", (www.theroadadventure.com)

I have realized that I shouldn't care what other people think. I only need to be concerned with what my God thinks. I'm not discounting the fact that what Bart thinks is important to me. I know that if I'm pleasing God, I will please my husband.

Sunday at church, I was standing in the balcony, where we normally sit, and I just realized that I didn't feel free to worship God as I want. Now, I love my church, and I love the people at my church. However, it doesn't promote a "freeing" atmosphere. It doesn't encourage people to feel the sweet release from having no reservations during worship. I stood there during a worship song, very reserved, and was having a very intense internal battle. It was kinda like having a good angel and a bad angel on my shoulders. The bad one was saying, "if you raise your hands in worship you're going to look silly because no one else is doing it. Plus you'll make others who don't understand you feel uncomfortable." Then the good one was saying, "Worship God how you want to! He wants to see and feel your heart! It doesn't matter what others think! This is a time to glorify God!" So, the good angel won, and I lifted my hands in adoration and thanksgiving for all that my God has done for me. There was a time when I wouldn't have been embarrassed to do this. I lost that person a long time ago because of tragedies that I faced. I lost the freedom to worship though my own actions. God still deserved to be worshiped, but it was out of my own self-pity and lack of faith that I stopped worshiping him with an open heart. God has since shown me that he is worthy of my trust and he is worthy of my worship.

I also realized that where we sit during service isn't beneficial to my spiritual growth. We have always sat in the balcony, part out of convenience, and part out of being a "back row baptist." So I've decided it's too distracting sitting in the balcony. So many things to look at when you're at the top. That, and there are so many families with children that sit up there. I love children, but they are a distraction to me.

This morning on the way to work, God really spoke to me. They were talking about fear on KLove and that's what sparked a lot of my thinking today. One of the hosts asked this question: "What would life be like if our first reaction was out of faith and not out of fear?" Wow...what an amazing thought!? Just the fact that they were talking about this on the radio showed me that everyone does this! How silly are we? To place so much care and importance in what others will think, when all along all that matters is what God thinks and that I can fall asleep at night. Living with no regrets is difficult. One thing I do regret is placing so much pressure on myself and on my life to be perfect. Because it hasn't been perfect, and I know I'm not perfect. But I aim for perfection. But why? When I know that I will fail? The reason is because we should aim for perfection in God's eyes, not in the world's.

My hope and prayer for you is that you will stop putting so much weight into what others think about you. That you will put your trust in God and act out of faith and not fear. Faith that you can believe and trust in God's perfect will and design for your life.

Blessings to you.

The Road Adventure -- Part I

Ok,

So this last weekend I went to a self-growth seminar called "The Road Adventure." It was an amazing experience. I learned so much about myself and I'm going back for Part II which starts in a week and a half. Part I was all about grieving over past hurts and pains, and learning to forgive. Part II is all about self-discovery. My homework between parts I & II was to decide "what do I want out of life?" I don't want to give too many details in case anyone who reads this decides they want to go through it. The best way I can describe it is that The Road Adventure is a life-changing, experiential growth seminar. It was formed by a Christian based ministry, but the seminar is designed to meet the needs of anyone.

So what do I want out of life?

I want to be happy. Whatever that looks like, I want it. Being happy to me is being successful in my relationships, not being afraid to be who I want to be, not being afraid of what other people will think, helping people with their lives, and traveling and experiencing the world as God made it. Maybe I could become a part-time travel writer.

On a different note, last night Bart & I were driving home from dinner, and the topic of winning the lottery came up. We talked about what we would do with $40 million. It was fun to fantasize about what we would do. And taking an extended vacation was on the top of our list. Let's move to Italy for half a year.

I'll have more to write on The Road as I finish processing everything that I discovered. I highly recommend it to anyone who has been through any sort of trauma or pain, or past hurts from relationships.

It was a good car...

(little "chipped tooth")

It was a good car. My dream car actually. I know most of you won't think the Jetta could be a "Dream Car", but oh yeah, it sure can. I've wanted one since I was in high school. I dreamed of a silver one to be exact. My dream came true 6 years after high school. I finally got my dream car.

Well, we all grow up, and when I saw my first VW Touareg, I was in love again. They are super expensive though and I knew it would be a while for me to get one. So, I held on to my HS dream for as long as I could, and we came across a great deal on a Touareg. We couldn't pass it up. So, I know have my grown-up car! I love it!

Thank you Jetta! I'll never forget you!

"Just tell me no..."

So...here's a story about a little girl and a silly bug that turned her world upside down.....

Once upon a time there was a high-maintenance girl who married a blue-collar man and they lived in a really old house on the verge of falling apart.  After about six months of newly wed bliss in their junk yard paradise, they had an unwelcomed visitor.  Previously in the day they had their first real married argument, but after the following events, neither could remember what the argument was about.  She went to bed angry, upset that they had a fight, and he stayed up a little bit longer to cool off.

Upon entering the bedroom, finding his princess asleep, he crawled into bed with her.  It wasn't long until he was up, and slowly turning the lights on.  She didn't like being waken up, especially with lights, so this upset her further.  She pulled the covers over her head ad buried her eyes into her pillow.  She asked, "Why are you turning the lights on??!!", he answered softly, "I heard something hit the ceiling fan."  At that moment, he turned the light on and saw a scorpion crawling on her purple satin pillow case.  She doesn't really remember what happened next, except there was a lot of screaming and crying.  He had ran over to her pillow and pinned the creature down with her pillow case.  She was  hysterically standing on the foot board with only her tip-toes.  (The movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" really scared her as a child.)

He asked her calmly to get a tissue but she was so distraught she thought there was an army of them waiting for her to step on the floor.  She said, "Where there's one, there's more."  Between tears she jumped down and ran to the bathroom and grabbed a tissue for him to kill the bug and then she returned to her position on the foot board.  After it was over, she cried and cried for hours.  She swore that she could no longer live in their love shack, (literally). 

They started looking for houses in the "city" (Belton) the next day.  They closed on a house a month later.

Now...fast forward about 6 years.  they now live in a beautiful house in the country.  

Last night we were watching TV and for the first time in 6 years I saw the dreadful creature from my past.  There I was, laying on the couch, enjoying the season finale of Law & Order: SVU, and on the arm of the couch I see the silhouette of a scorpion.  I jumped up and told Bart it was on there, and he came to my rescue and killed the insect.  I asked him if he thought there were anymore, and he said he wasn't sure....and I then told him, "Just tell me no."  And he did.

If at first you don't succeed.....

Ok, so I've decided, "Why not?" share with the world our journey into parenthood.  Most of you know it's been a difficult journey, and I know many of you can relate.  Bart & I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years now.  We've had 3 miscarriages, one of which was almost fatal and I lost a fallopian tube.  So where does that leave us now?  Well, it leaves us trusting in God while turning to modern medicine.  I've gone through several rounds of blood tests and our doctor has concluded that my hormones need a little bit of a boost.  So, I'm taking supplements to try to help mother nature out.

I've been on the supplements for a month now, and since we've never had a problem getting pregnant (just staying pregnant) I was really hoping we'd hit the ball out of the park on the first try....well, not so.  As I woke up this morning I was actually optimistic.  It reminded me of what Thomas Edison said while inventing the light bulb...something like:  "I haven't failed.  I found 10,000 ways that didn't work."  While I certainly hope it won't take us 10,000 times to get it right, although I'm sure Bart would enjoy that thoroughly, it at least gives me hope to know that we're not giving up, at least not yet.  So stay tuned....you never know when I might make a big announcement...but it won't be for at least another month. :-)

Good Friends

What a true blessing friendship is!  It's been a long time since I've had a group of friends I can rely on like sisters.  Kristin & Amy thank you so much for offering your friendship to me!  The Lord answered prayers when we all met.  I believe in devine timing, and this is a perfect example. I have been able to weather a few rough storms thanks to your friendship and ever-open ears.

So here's to you! *cheers*

May I be as much of a blessing to you, as you have been to me.

Roll with the Punches

I feel like Job today.

I feel like I'm life's punching bag right now.  Nothing seems to be going the way I thought it would.  Everyday something else seems to go wrong, and I'm having a harder time every day picking myself up from the dirty, dusty floor of life.   I do know that things could be worse...for example:

At least I have a good job.  My boss may not treat me well, or congratulate me on a job well done.  The students at my school are mostly good.  However I think we should have a minimum-security campus just for those that require a minimum-security environment.

At least we have a good place to live.  Sure, it's a little out of the way, and we drive a little bit farther than we would if we lived within the city limits.  But, it's a haven, and I love going home.

At least I have good/fair health.  Sure, I can't seem to stay pregnant, and losing 25 lbs. takes an act of congress, and keeping it off takes even more.  And sure I have more scars than a Gitmo prisoner, and I may as well buy a room at King's Daughters Hospital.  Sure I lost a fallopian tube due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  But, I have the breath of life.

Life without any trials or tribulations is no life at all.  Pain helps us remember that we are alive, and that we need something more than what we can provide on our own.  God give me strength, courage, peace, and comfort during the hard times.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize God's presence and presents in the midst of hard times.  But, I have to remember how God has blessed me, and how he continues to bless me.  Just remembering his blessing provides comfort.  He has given me a wonderful family, an amazing husband, supportive friends, an intelligent mind, and a sensitive soul.  I am proud of who I am as a person and I daily remember that He's not done with me.  

So, this morning I woke up with the country song by Jo Dee Mesina, "Roll with the Punches."  I have had a really bad week personally and at work.  Life sure has it's ups and downs, and sometimes, well, most of the time, I just can't figure it out.  But, I think the point to life is to stop trying, and "roll with the punches."  That doesn't mean be a door matt and just take it, but we do have to pick our battles.  I'm having to pick some pretty major ones right now.

While I was on my way to work, that song came on the radio.  It helped me remember that no life situation is permanent.  Things change, things constantly change.  So, just roll with it, and eventually you'll come to a stop.  That's what I'm waiting for.  I need a break from the rolling before the next round of punches begin.

Thanks for reading.